Credit: WWE.com
My hype levels are so high right now because WRESTLEMANIA. It's the only part of my mark heart unmolested by the jaded cynicism that darkens the remainder of my blackened heart and soul. All the other marks that write wrestling things will tell you what they think will happen at WrestleMania. Predictions are so predictable because everybody reads the same stuff and listens to the same stuff so it's a big echo chamber. I, being a superior mark GOD, will not only tell you what I think WILL happen, I will also fantasy book what I think SHOULD happen. You're welcome.
I'm not about to talk about anything that happens in the mid card that is not related to Roman Reigns because, let's be real, nothing in the midcard not including Roman Reign has any relevance.
Let's start with my favorite thing other than Roman Reigns!
Kofi Kingston will win the WWE Championship. I will be shocked if this isn't overbooked to the gills. I could see Vince coming out to make it a special guest referee match where he is the referee, all the heels are lumberjacks with orders to screw Kofi, New Day is banned from ringside and, predictably, the heels fight each other, there is a ref bump, New Day comes to the rescue and a backup ref counts Bryan's shoulders down for the 3 count. In the aftermath of Mania, maybe Luke Harper comes back to join Bryan and Rowan and costs Kofi the belt and he never wins it again and I say "I told you so" because I'm a prick like that. Or, either Woods or Big E turns and costs him the belt and again, I say "I told you so."
I stand my assertion that there are not any dream matches I want to see Kofi have as a single. But. If Luke Harper DOES come back to join Bryan and Rowan I want to see a 6 man tag match for the world championship. It hasn't been done in WWE since Randy Orton won the belt from HHH with Legacy. Batista and Shane McMahon were HHH's partners. I would overcomplicate this by making it a cage match where you win by having all three members escaping the cage. That's so you can set up a scenario where Kofi is beset by 2 or 3 men and then he uses his vertical leap to quickly abscond from that jam. You could also do TLC even though it's not that month of the year where they do those matches just because it's that month. Or Hell in a Cell. There are a lot of permutations in which I want to do that match. And I want to say again, I would NEVER break up New Day. I was recently reminiscing on how I liked Alberto Del Rio and he used to come out and wrestle to NO reaction. Then they took his expensive cars out his entrance and Ricardo Rodriguez got over as his ring announcer. Maybe people never liked Del Rio but they certainly liked chanting along with Ricardo. So, what does WWE do? They took THAT from him too. And then he was just a guy. I might be wrong, but that almost never happens: the second you break up New Day all three of them dudes are rudderless ships who all can work and cut a promo, buuuuuut will never be as over as when they were together.
Related to the last point I just made, I miss when WWE wrestlers were larger than life characters. This is a problem across wrestling in general. Most dialogue you see on social media or on WWE television/the Network is scripted or had to be approved by the old man. This leads to pretty much everyone speaking in the same voice using verbiage no one would say in real life. Then, they give guys nicknames that don't really mean anything like "the Architect or Lunatic Fringe or The Artist" and they don't really have a character or gimmick in the traditional sense where you know what they are about and what they stand for. There is a lot of stale sameness and sterility afoot. I like Seth Rollins but who is he really? WHAT DOES BEING THE ARCHITECT OF THE SHIELD REALLY EVEN MEAN!?! It is not provocative and it does not get the people going
Now I want to talk about THE BIG DOG, Roman Reigns. That name means something because it is certainly his yard. I think he is going to go over on Drew McIntyre and I think doing this match is a mistake if he does. Not that him beating Drew buries him or anything. When Roman put leukemia over so it could make him look strong later, I thought to myself "I would put the belt on Drew and push him as Vince's chosen one and then have Roman take the belt from him at Mania" aaaaaand now here we are having the match with nothing on the line. I will tell you what I told my best friend recently: I would have Drew go over. Then I would put the belt on Drew and have Roman challenge down the line and lose again. And then I would have Roman win the Rumble and Drew is all "you know you can't beat me" and Roman's all "I beat cancer and I'm going to beat you" and BOOM. Long term booking and storytelling. IMAGINE THAT. I feel like they're going to have the typical 3 month feud where one of them wins 2 of 3 and then it's blown off and they go on to do other things that aren't relevant or productive.
Speaking of non productive things, the Universal champion Brrrrrrock Lesnar better put Seth Rollins over. Idc if Rollins is hurt. Brock gets to be champion and defend like 6 times a year. What 30 day rule? *daydreams about WWE behaving like a real league with real rules that are consistently remembered and enforced* If Rollins can't hold up after winning, I would let him keep the belt and crown an interim champion in a tournament held on Raw and culminating at the next PPV, and then the booking books itself when Rollins returns: ladder match for the undisputed Universal championship. Then Rollins would hold the belt until after Survivor Series where we maybe get a dream match like Rollins v AJ Styles or Rollins v Daniel Bryan or Rollins v Shinsuke Nakamura, and then he loses to Drew McIntyre which sets up the scenario I pitched earlier. Knowing WWE, Lesnar will retain if Rollins is too hurt. Or Rollins will go over and forfeit the belt.
In THE main event of WrestleMania, Becky Lynch will go over. Becky Lynch SHOULD go over. There should be no scenario in which anyone else is there to celebrate with her and in any way detract from the first ever women's main event of Mania having someone that calls themselves The Man standing on turnbuckles holding up two belts as pyro goes insane. I have seen rumors that Lynch will feud with Stephanie McMahon possibly by SummerSlam. That would be good for her because Steph CAN work, aaaaaaannnnnd it would be the heel authority figure getting laid out by the hot babyface. A scenario we don't get in WWE often. So, the obvious thing to do is have Stephanie become women's champion for a while as Becky does everything she can to overcome all the obstacles Steph puts in her way. Other dream matches for me include one on ones with Rousey, Charlotte, Asuka, Ember Moon and Naomi IN THAT ORDER. Then Sasha Banks, Bayley, and Alexa Bliss. THEN you get into the future matchups with all that talent in NXT! WWE has messed around and made women's wrestling the most hype and exciting thing about their product. I am not complaining, I'm just saying.